Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Lawyer jokes :-)

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.


What do you call a lawyer who's gone bad?

Senator.

What did the lawyer name his daughter?

Sue.


What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?

Another lawyer.

How many lawyer jokes are there?

Only three. The rest are true stories.


What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.

What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association?

Yogurt has culture.


What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?

Your Honor.

What's the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments?

It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.


Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments?

1. Lawyers are more plentiful than rats;

2. The lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers, and

3. There are some things a rat just won't do.

What happens to a lawyer who is thrown out of a saloon?

He was disbarred.


What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand.

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?

He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.


What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What's the other difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

Vultures wait 'till you're dead to rip your heart out.


How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?

When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.

What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.


What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?

Lipstick.


What's the other difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

Clothes.

What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road?

The vultures will eat the skunk.


What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.

39 comments:

Get 'em Goncalo said...

How do you stop a lawyer from drowing?

Take your foot off his head.

Cláudia said...

Hi, Get'em!
Hope you're ok.
ROTFLMAO!
:-))))
xxxx

Gina said...

This is part of comments made by GM
(Joana Morais site) and this is the biggest joke of all

"Kate would like to return to Praia da Luz when things are less intense, but we’d like it to be a private visit, probably before the end of the year”, said Gerry McCann."

Suddenly the want to do PRIVATE, that will be a first! IMO if you really want to do PRIVATE, you do not tell anybody.

Gina said...

I forgot to say that I was wondering if they have reached the same celebrity status as Michael Jackson who wanted to make a PRIVATE visit to Disneyland so they closed it so he got his wish. Maybe PDL will have to close too!!!

viv said...

Hiya Claudia, Di sent me these real exchanges demonstrating the high intellect of cretin I mean certain lawyers, enjoy:

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

viv said...

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So th e date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:20 By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________________________

(And the best for last:)

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Cláudia said...

Hi, Gina.
Yes, they are incredibly private. Kate is so private she didn't want to answer more than 40 Police questions. So shy and low profile, bless her.
Yes, maybe PdL will have to close too! LOL And never let them get out. You know how people in PdL love them. I'm sure they would like to keep them there. ;-)
xxx

Cláudia said...

Hi, Viv.
Thanks!
ROTFLMAO!!!

Zodiac said...

Hi Claudia and all,

ROTFLMAO @ all the jokes.


"when things are less intense"

Hmm I remember reading an article on the McC's by Chris Freind. Chris Freind used a phrase something like "bought and paid for British Press" when GM says less intense I just wonder if that translates as:

When they have the control of the Portuguese Press. When they can print whatever they want in a Portuguese newspaper (like here in the UK) and use the threat of libel, sueing and injunctions! If they manage to gag GA, Portugal be prepared. Do not allow yourselves to be treated like mushrooms in the dark being fed McPoopaganda by the truck load like us here in the UK!

Cláudia said...

Hi, Zodiac!
Great jokes, aren't they? :-)
I wouldn't say that's going to be easy, but nothing surprises me anymore. Libel laws here are very different, though. Fortunately.
Hope you're well.
xxxx

Zodiac said...

Claudia,

That is good to know. I am well thanks. Hope all is well with you.

xxx

Cláudia said...

Better after reading the jokes, my friend! :-)
Sleep well.
xxxx

viv said...

Hiya Claudia

Thought you may like them, they seemed to fit with your thread.

Maybe Kate will want those police officers who tried to "frame her" to help her feel nice and safe and secure, like she kindly did for Madddie, when she visits PDL, erm, towards the end of the year, erm privately

If I was a cynical sort of person and heaven forbid I am not (!) I might even think Gerry was plugging his Maddie Christmas Special there..will they take the twins with them or do they get dumped somewhere for Christmas because mummy and daddy think the weather may be kinder to them over there? Ever the optimists eh, but I suppose their media relations specialist will have worked many good miracles for them by that stage.

Cláudia said...

Hi, Viv.
Yes, I certainly did. Thank you.
Thank God no one here is a cynic or we could actually think those things! :-)
And come on, let's face it, nowadays who hasn't a spokesperson and PR specialists? :-)
xxxx

nancy said...

Hi all -

Lawyer jokes - I have a couple of very good lawyer friends, and they would really enjoy those jokes because they are down to earth and not a bit pompous like those from the upper echelons of the species and you know who I mean by that!

"What have the McCanns and Carter Ruck in common?" They are all rip off merchants!

Carter Ruck rip people off with their enormous fees (just where do the McCanns get the money to pay these people - answers on a post card please) and the McCann's ripped up poor Maddie's book to get their stories down before the PJ's arrived. And they've been ripping people off with their insistence that Maddie is findable, so please send in all your spare coins and notes to top up our Fund.

And poor brave Kate and the media loving, (how he loves holding and speaking into that microphone) Gerry McCann, may go (not will go) back to PdeL. He wants it to be a private visit - just who is he kidding!!

What was stopping them going back last week when they were there, or do they just want a holiday in the sun at Christmas?

dylan said...

Hi guys,

Long time no blogging!

Viv - LMAO!!! very funny!

Cláudia, sorry I've not been around. I haven't had time to catch up on things but I really hope all is well with you and your family.

I just got a bit despondant with the whole McCann thing when the 3as went down, but after communication with Hope, I've realised that I miss you lot and that I don't come here just for M. I have friends which is more important.

I'm at college now and really enjoying it and, apart from that, I'm focussing on being a mum.

I'll make a concerted effort now to keep up with this blog because I think it's worth it. :-)

Take care all,

Love Jackie xxx

Cláudia said...

Hi, Nancy.
If they wished to spend Christmas in PdL, I'm sure the people there would love to have them there and would give them lovely presents. :-) Shame they are both so private people...
xxxx

Cláudia said...

Hi, Dylan! :-)
Welcome back! :-) We missed you!
You don't have to be sorry. It's great to have you here, but there is a life out there. I have also been quite busy. Back to work and still dealing with some family matters, so the time to be online isn't that much. Just make sure you stop by once in a while and say hi. :-)
Read you soon, I hope. :-)
xxxx

nancy said...

Hi Dylan -

Welcome back too!! Glad things are well with you. Concentrating on being a Mum is the best job in the world! Pity the McCanns didn't do that - they wouldn't have lost poor Maddie!

Busy today helping Charlotte get her stuff ready to take to uni tomorrow! How she managed to pack so much stuff into her small bedroom is beyond me! She's so excited; I hope it all meets with her expectations!

We must meet up when you have time from your studies and everything.


Nx

nancy said...

Claudia -

Have you heard anything from Docmac recently? It would be great to have him back on the blog!

Glad your ok now too.



Nx

Cláudia said...

Hi, Nancy.
Yes, we have exchanged text messages recently. Guess he is suffering from McCann fatigue. But who isn't? :-)
xxxx

Zodiac said...

Hi Claudia and all,

Dylan great to read you again, you have been missed!

xxx

Video footage of the uninvited 50th Birthday party guest training for the next time he has to runaway!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4MgoTFkSdc

Cláudia said...

Hi, Zodiac!
ROTFLMAO!
The difference is the character in the video is cute while the uninvited nutter is ugly and... well, nuts. :-)
xxxx

dylan said...

Thanks guys, I'm really quite touched :-)

Cláudia, I use Firefox as my browser now and I have no more problems with logging-in here. Should've done it ages ago when you suggested it!

I've also left Virgin and going with BT, so Branson can shove it up his greedy a*se! Not that they haven't tried to get me back though, they've phoned me twice with offers of lower bills but I told them I don't trust them anymore because I still get £100 plus bills and I don't even have the TV in my package!!!

What's the latest McCann news? I saw in the papers the other day that Kate did a run wearing a Maddie T-shirt. Same old, same old!

I'm away for the weekend now so I'll catch-up Sunday night.

Take care all xxx

Cláudia said...

Hi, Dylan!
Gerry has also been to Spain recently. Now our neighbours have to put up with him too. Poor people! :-)
Yes, Firefox is pretty good and fast. And I have downloaded and tried Google Chrome too and I also like it.
Have a great weekend. have fun! :-)
xxxx

Zodiac said...

Hi Claudia and all,

"The difference is the character in the video is cute while the uninvited nutter is ugly and... well, nuts. :-)"

Claudia perhaps he was training in his Halloween costume! Practising running in it for a quick get away from a Halloween party he might choose to gatecrash! I wonder if Filo will be his date sporting her Pumpkin paint costume? I can just imagine the two of them running down the street!


Dylan,

Have a lovely weekend.
x

Cláudia said...

Zodiac, ROTFLMAO!
I have a very weird picture on my mind now. LOL
xxxx

Zodiac said...

"I have a very weird picture on my mind now. LOL"

Claudia,

LOL! So do I, of a wibbly wobbly running Pumpkin! I hope I do not have nightmares of a talking Pumpkin! You know a typical (imo) McTrait, talking out of their @ rses!

Cláudia said...

Zodiac, that picture is getting weirder by the second! LOL
xxxx

Zodiac said...

"Zodiac, that picture is getting weirder by the second! LOL"

Claudia, it sounds like a picture that the Barcelona Victoria Beckham look-a-like would be used to seeing!

Cláudia said...

Zodiac, don't give them any ideas, please!!! ROTFLMAO!
xxxx

Zodiac said...

OMG! Being serious not joking. Claudia and all I wonder how long it will be before the McUK Press/Media claim the Barcelona woman with the Aussie or New Zealand accent has srtuck again!

Police search goes on for girl, two

(UKPA) – 5 minutes ago

A New Zealand couple whose two-year-old daughter vanished this week have been offered support by the parents of Madeleine McCann.

Kate and Gerry McCann said their "thoughts and prayers" were with the family of Aisling Symes, who disappeared from an Auckland suburb on Monday evening.

The little girl's father Allan Symes, who is originally from County Waterford in Ireland, made an emotional plea for her return at a press conference on Thursday.

He said: "These recent days have proven to be the most harrowing of our lives - no sleep, we feel like we're barely existing, sort of surviving every moment, not knowing where Aisling is.

"Is she near us or has she been moved far away? Is she being treated well - things like, has her nappy been changed? These thoughts churn through us as we huddle close as a family."

Madeleine was three when she vanished from her family's holiday apartment in Praia da Luz, Portugal, in May 2007 as her parents dined with friends nearby.

Mr and Mrs McCann, from Rothley, Leicestershire, said in a statement: "Our thoughts and prayers are with Aisling and her family. We wish Aisling's parents the strength and support they will be needing at this most painful time, and we join them in hoping for Aisling's safe and speedy return.

"We urge anyone who has any information about Aisling to come forward to the local police as soon as possible and end this family's suffering."

Aisling was with her parents as they cleared a relative's house in the Auckland suburb of Henderson when she went missing at about 5.30pm on Monday.

New Zealand Police described her as tall for her age, and said she was believed to be wearing a green jacket and blue jeans embroidered with flowers.

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ukpres ... h45oCGRlpQ

Cláudia said...

Hi, Zodiac.
Yes, I know. The leeches couldn't help it.
xxxx

Zodiac said...

Oops struck not "srtuck", I hope the little one is found soon. Although I am erring on the cynical side as I remember the Shannon Matthews disappearance and have learned from that.

BBFN.

Cláudia said...

Hi, Zodiac.
Sadly, getting to know certain people has had terrible effects like making us cynical. Caution, caution, caution.
I also hope that little angel will be home soon and let's hope she is not hurt.
xxxx

nancy said...

Hi everyone -

Claudia and Zodiac -

I've just posted on Joana Morais echoing exactly what you feel in your posts about this latest news!

This McCann Saga, and the Shannon Matthews case has, I'm sure, left many of us very cynical, and that's really sad.

Cláudia said...

Hi, Nancy.
It's very said, but it is the result of the countless lies and misinformation we have been fed for more than 2 years. :-(
xxxx

Paulo Reis said...

Mázinha.... Eh, eh, eh...

Cláudia said...

Mázinha, eu, Paulo?São apenas uma piadinhas inofensivas!:-)
Mauzão és tu que mandaste os tubarões irem bom, fornicar-se! LOL
Beijos!!!